physical love proceeds emotional love and other seemingly backwards philosophies

Is your heart bursting?  Mine is.  Nate perfectly captured a moment between these two. Seriously-half the day is spent with one of them smothering and kissing the other.  (Normally, the one not doing the smothering is trying to get away.  But 2 minutes later they'll turn and be trying to love the other).  Brigham thinks that kissing means opening your mouth as wide as possible and slobbering profusely on another person's cheek; which is both completely adorable and slightly disgusting.

I'm still loving reading and journaling about this book on mothering.  I had to share one more thought that Saydi Shumway had in the Love chapter of Deliberate Mothering.  She shares about a Christmas season when she was stressed out of her mind running around the trying to get things done and found herself getting frustrated with her kids for getting in the way while she was trying to do these tasks.  She says "I realized that, for weeks, I had been resenting my children because they were in the way of all the things I had to do to pull Christmas off.  I needed to flip my thought process and recognize that my love for my children and family was in fact the reason for all these tasks."

Yes, the pictures are different hues of black and white.  It's driving me crazy.  But guess what?  Nap time is over, so we're all going to have to deal with it.

 I've been thinking about that.  Recently my kids must be eating crazy things because their diapers have been HORRIBLE!  This means that often they wake up and I'm washing sheets and blankets and stuffed animals and pajamas all morning.  You know when your kids need a bath before breakfast that it's going to be a long day:)  However, I've loved the reminder that it's because I love my children so much that I have extra work.  I pick up toys 500,000 times a day because I'm extatic about the smiles on their faces while they play together.  I do the dishes and wash that same bottle 8 times a day because I am head-over-heels-blessed-beyond-belief-in-love with these kids.  And to keep them I'll do all of these things a million times over. 

Nathan and I realized a few years ago that a disagreement never gets to an argument if we are touching while we talk.  Holding hands when we sit down to talk about something that we know is a tender subject for us has proved to keep our minds reminded to speak lovingly and respectfully to one another.    I think the same is true of my kids.  When Eden is driving me crazy (all my fault, hardly ever really hers) I find that if I take the time to drop to my knees and hug that girl and tell her how much I love her and attack those cheeks with my kisses that everything changes.  I don't think the changes are really for her.  She'll still be torn up about the fact that I won't let her drink the Lysol, but I am changed in that moment.  Suddenly I can love her, really love her again. Because touching her, showing physical love, often helps bridge the gap to feeling emotional love.  And magically, I don't need rehab anymore.  I can move on and without wanting to punch myself in the head while she cries on the floor.

Now, finding a way to REMEMBER to give physical love when I'm starting to feel frustrated.

February: The power of LOVE

I am so excited to be able to focus on "Love" this month.  We think about it in February anyway and when I wake up to these faces everyday, how can I not love motherhood?

I mean, come on.  How wouldn't be reminded to kiss those chubby cheeks and squeeze those little leg rolls.  I know almost no one who can resist cuddling a just-bathed-and-smelling-delicious-baby and the whole reason toddlers make it through to adulthood is because their adorableness (yes, I just said that) more than makes up for the frustration they cause us.

I'll give more quotes to follow, but I loved this one from the book to get me going.  It actually quotes another book Biology of Love by Dr. Arthur Janov and states "Hugs and kisses during critical periods [of child development] make neurons grow and connect properly with other neurons."  Then Deliberate Mothering author Saydi Shumway adds "Essentially, you can kiss a child's brain into maturity."

Goodness, I love that.  Of course, there are many aspects and different ways of looking at Love.  But for today, it means hugs and kisses and cuddles. Somehow, when I'm focusing on that, the tantrums feel a little more doable.

I've always known with Eden that she mirrors my mood.  Her little spirit is so sensitive to other people.  She has always been a sympathy crier and as a two year old recognizes and verbalizes how people are feeling in books, and around her.  When I get frustrated with her, she just gets frustrated and acts out more.  When I choose to hug her and tell her that I love her (and that's harder than it sounds when she's just drawn on Brigham's high chair, after I've already disciplined her for drawing on the wall, the dishwasher, and the toilet within the same hour), her frustration seems to melt away and then she can actually internalize what I'm telling her.  So happy February, self!  Just LOVE those kids of yours.  And don't forget about that amazing husband either!

Accepting Myself

I realize that I've been a little MIA, we have this terrible four week cold going around and my kids got it.  Blah!  Sleeping is rough when you have to suck on a pacifier but your nose is too stuffy to breathe through.  (Talk about acceptance!  But I've already journaled about this kind of acceptance this month.)

This last week I've really been thinking about something that I think is the most important kind of acceptance, and I can't believe it wasn't on my radar until now.  It's acceptance of me.  I don't know about the rest of you, but whether you are a wife, mother, single, divorced, old or young I think we all have pieces lacking in this area.

Because I've been focusing on acceptance helping me be a better mother and wife (because that is my own personal stage of life) I have to really think about how my thoughts about myself affect my family.  I wouldn't say that I am terrible at beating myself up, most of the time I'm pretty positive.  But I don't know that I give myself enough credit.

I am the only mother my children know.  To them, I am perfect.  I am just what they need.  So why do I spend SO much time thinking about all the things I could be doing better.  Do you know what?  I could be better, but I'm also doing a lot of things really well.  And my kids love me for both of those parts of me.  I'm working on accepting me the way my kids accept me.  Accepting me because I love them with everything I am and THAT is enough.  They accept me because I am trying to improve. 

I started setting weekly goals each week (I am not very good at keeping up with goals long term, so I have to set daily tasks for myself to accomplish things...baby steps).  These goals have really helped because I only allow myself to plan daily goals that I KNOW I can accomplish.  When I sit down, I know realistically how my days go, and I know how many little things I can fit into my day.  Some weeks I know that I don't have time to focus on having my house spotless because I'm trying to better a different part of me.  Sometimes I only exercise for 30 minutes a day this week because I want my house work to be a priority.

In setting small goals each week, I've found that slowly I feel more on top of the things going on in my life.  Suddenly, the things that are lacking that week are okay because I CHOSE to let it lack.  Does that make sense?  I have power over my life again and the parts of me that I'm lacking in are okay because they are not my priority this week.  This has brought me great acceptance.  Acceptance of myself while working on improving myself.

Boy this journey has been good for me.  I'm beginning to understand why the book calls these topics "powers".  I feel empowered by them.

I realize that this picture has nothing to do with the topic.  It's just a throw back to Halloween.  But it is a reminder to me of who I'm doing all this brain work for.  In the corporate world, people have trainings and set goals with management.  Well in the "company" of motherhood, I'm it (although thank goodness Nathan is by my side to help me figure it out).  So my work everyday is meeting with myself, finding what works and what doesn't and coming up with planning strategies that will work for my business; my husband and children.

a memory resurfaced

Yesterday I had a memory flash into my mind and I realized that I never recorded it anywhere.  Anyone who has ever rocked a sack of potatoes at the grocery store will certainly enjoy this recap, and everyone else probably will as well.

Two years ago, my sweet Eden was a new born.  I was in love, but I was also completely overwhelmed.  She only slept if I was holding her and she went through a period of time when she was waking up every hour to eat.  Let's keep in mind that she ate for 45 minutes.  This means that I would sleep for 15-20 minutes before she would be up again ready to suck.  (Thank goodness for Babywise and Happiest Baby on the Block.  They revolutionized my life and she quickly became the best sleeper of ALL TIME.)

But needless to say, I was extremely tired during this period of my life.  Nathan had a church calling that involved knowing some pretty sad things that were happening in people's lives.  On one particular Sunday he came home pretty upset about something.  He couldn't tell me about it, but he sat next to me needing some comfort and support from me.  As we sat talking and he was expressing his sadness, I suddenly realized that I had Eden's pacifier in my hand and I was about 3 inches from his mouth with it. 

I burst out laughing, realizing that subconsciously I was trying to soothe my husband by stuffing a pacifier in his mouth.  #youknowyouareaparentwhen

serves me right

My mother always said, "Be careful what you pray for".  Meaning that often, when we pray for patience, for example, life gets pretty darn crazy so that we have to practice.

Well, remember that awesome plan I had about how dinner time was going to go more smoothly because I had systems in place to help with the chaos?  JOKE IS ON ME!  Let me paint for you the picture of what happened that very night at dinner time.

Nathan coaches a high school frisbee team in our area and they have practice every Wednesday, so he doesn't get home until about 6:30pm (not bad, but most days he's home by around 4:30pm, so for us that's late.  Brigham was cutting a tooth, so he didn't take an afternoon nap.  He was getting pretty cranky when I heard Eden wake up around 4:15.  I let her play for a few minutes while I put some finishing touches on my preparations for dinner (you know, so that everything would go seamlessly).   I went in to get her around 4:30pm and the moment I walked in, I knew I had an adventure waiting for me.  The smell was TERRIBLE.  I walked around the corner so that I could see her and noticed a very mysterious dark brown smear across her face and mouth.  My first question..."Did you eat poop?"  "Yeah, Mmmmm!" was her response, though she looked a little like she might cry.  As I surveyed the scene further I found to my dismay, that she had taken EVERY book to her bed (which had been smeared with the loveliness) this means that every children's book we own was now covered in poop.

After a few hours of work, the bed was clean as can be and smelling fresh and lovely.  No use crying over spilled milk.

She was painted in the stuff, I won't go into details, but just know that a LONG bath was needed.  Please keep in mind that Brigham was screaming away, because he was already fussy and now I had to ignore him to deal with more pressing matters.  I am so grateful that my mind has been focused on the power of acceptance because I had a decision to make, I could either let myself get frustrated that my perfect day was ruined, or I could ACCEPT that this was a reality in my life right now.  I couldn't change what had happened.  All I could do was teach Eden not to do it again, clean up as quickly as possible and move on.

During Eden's bath we talked about what she could do if she got a messy diaper again during her nap time (she knows she can't get out of her bed during nap time, so I think that was the real problem.  She knew she needed help, but she also knew she was supposed to stay in her bed.) Then I put her in her high chair with a snack and show to entertain her so that I could clean like crazy.  Normally she helps me clean any mess she makes, but at this point, I had already cleaned her up and I didn't want to do that again.  So I had her wipe some of the books off with a Clorox wipe (after I had already cleaned them).

While she was in her high chair, I stuck the screaming Brigs in a front back to calm him down and went to town.  Nothing like trying to clean with a whining baby strapped to your front.  Nathan walked in the door right as I finished putting her new sheets on her bed and didn't know whether to laugh or just hug me as I told him the story.  Needless to say, I am still mourning the loss of the books that I had to throw away. 

But hey, when I finally got to dinner prep, the table was set:)

More on Acceptance

This morning during my early Brigham time and after my killer Jillian Michaels workout, I listened to a Power of Moms podcast on acceptance.  I loved something that one of the women said about it, "Don't let the things you can't change affect the things that you can." 

My acceptance plan for this week is to note the times during the day that I normally get frustrated and then find some things that I CAN change about the circumstance.  So without further adieu...


Problem Time #1: Getting out the door on time to any event.  Inevitably one of the children gets a messy diaper RIGHT before we leave, Eden has put her shoes somewhere and can't remember where they are, I discover that the diaper wipes are gone in the diaper bag...ect, ect.

Solution: Each night as part of my nightly routine, I am going to make sure the diaper bag is packed for the next day.  Sippy cup, formula, snacks, bottle, diapers, wipes, ect.  I will also make sure that I have coats and shoes for the chitlins in a spot that Eden can't get to.  I can't change the messy diapers or phones in the toilet.  I can change the running around to pack things last minute.

Problem Time #2: Dinner time.  My kids go to bed at 7pm, so dinner time is quickly approaching bedtime which means onery, hungry kiddos.  Nate gets home about the time that I am making dinner and helps with the kids and setting the table, but Eden only wants mommy when she is tired and our kitchen is tiny.  This means that normally Nate is holding Brigham and getting in the kitchen to set the table, Eden has brought all of her toys so she can play right at my feet, and I'm trying to cook in 2 square inches of spaces and walk around everyone and their toys while cooking.  Mostly the stress comes from feeling like I need to hurry because everyone is onery, and when I feel I need to hurry, I get stressed.

Solution: After lunch, I will set the table for dinner.  This means that Nate won't need to get in the kitchen while I'm trying to cook (2 less people in our TINY kitchen).  During nap time, I can come up with a project for Eden to work on in the kitchen that will keep her occupied while I put on finishing touches.  I can also turn on primary music or soft piano music right before we head into this time to set a peaceful tone in our home.  When I feel myself starting to get stressed, I will take a deep breath and realize that I can't change that my kids are tired, I can change how many people are in the kitchen and how I react to the stress.

***If you are interested in listening to the podcast, you can find it at www.powerofmoms.com.  Click on "podcasts" at the top of the screen and then scroll all the way to the bottom.  I think it was the 4th podcast they ever did.

Tiny Miracles

Today I've been thinking about this amazing son I have.  My thoughts have wandered back to his birth and I realized that all these 7 months, I have failed to recognize an amazing miracle from that beautiful day.

As I've said before, having him natural was VERY unexpected.  I walked in the hospital the moment I was ready to push and was terrified.  Because I hadn't prepared for this at all, I wasn't ready for the incredible pain and emotional strain this was going to be.  I remember hyperventilating and looking at Nathan with pure panic in my eyes.  I honestly had a few moments when I knew I wasn't going to make it out of this alive and my thoughts wandered to those pioneer women who not only felt that absolute panic, but also knew that they could very well actually die from the experience.  What an incredible force love is.  It drives us to do things we couldn't on our own.  I had worried so much about this baby boy during my pregnancy, and I knew that a quick labor would help any heart problem he may have, so I was able to focus and do something I never thought I could.

The miracle that I haven't realized until today is my WONDERFUL nurse.  I can't believe that I was fortunate enough to have the same nurse that I did the day I had Eden.  I trusted this woman and I loved her with my previous and first birth, so when she told me that I could do this, I knew I could.  What a loving Heavenly Father I have, that placed someone that I trusted in a place that was so foreign and alarming for me.  Some people call that a coincidence.  I hurt for those people.  Because to me, it is a tender mercy that my loving Father gives me, a constant reminder day by day that he is there, that he will never leave me.  

Many people have asked me if I would ever give birth naturally again.  The answer: I don't know.  Sometimes I think back and all I can see were the beautiful moments that made natural birth so amazing.  Like the fact that I worked for this child, I gave everything for him, to the point that I was ready to give my life for him.  Or the incredible euphoria that came the moment he took his first breath.  Or the laughable question of how much pain I was in after he was born.  I looked at those nurses like they were crazy.  "I JUST DELIVERED A 9 LB 2 OZ CHILD WITH ABSOLUTELY NO MEDICINE, compared to that, I feel amazing.  I'll go run 3 miles right now!  Do you want me to get up and do a jig?  I shall!" My recovery was amazing.  Mostly because any pain I felt was child's play compared to what I had just done.  Or the fact that I bonded with him in an incredible way.  There is something to feeling every part of the life-giving-partnering-with-God that draws you towards your child in unexplainable ways. 

Truthfully, I loved everything about birthing naturally except the pushing.  People always tell you that the contractions are the worst.  I disagree.  They are a cakewalk.  I can carry on a full conversation and smile at all the lovely nurses up until a staggering 10cm dilation.  But the moment that burning begins, I started telling the doctor not to touch me, I told Nathan I couldn't do this, in short, I LOST IT.

But perhaps, if I was ready for it, if I had been ready for the pain and knew that it would come, if I practiced keeping my mind in a good place, I would do it again. 

I do know this, I will never get an epidural again.  But, some pain killers to take the edge off?  That sounds AMAZING.  I guess you'll just have to wait and see along with me.  All I know is how blessed I am as a woman to have opportunities to give all of myself for these beautiful spirits that God has given me.  I'm so blessed to know what true love is and to be shown how to love more perfectly by my loving Savior and my Heavenly Father.