Tiny Miracles

Today I've been thinking about this amazing son I have.  My thoughts have wandered back to his birth and I realized that all these 7 months, I have failed to recognize an amazing miracle from that beautiful day.

As I've said before, having him natural was VERY unexpected.  I walked in the hospital the moment I was ready to push and was terrified.  Because I hadn't prepared for this at all, I wasn't ready for the incredible pain and emotional strain this was going to be.  I remember hyperventilating and looking at Nathan with pure panic in my eyes.  I honestly had a few moments when I knew I wasn't going to make it out of this alive and my thoughts wandered to those pioneer women who not only felt that absolute panic, but also knew that they could very well actually die from the experience.  What an incredible force love is.  It drives us to do things we couldn't on our own.  I had worried so much about this baby boy during my pregnancy, and I knew that a quick labor would help any heart problem he may have, so I was able to focus and do something I never thought I could.

The miracle that I haven't realized until today is my WONDERFUL nurse.  I can't believe that I was fortunate enough to have the same nurse that I did the day I had Eden.  I trusted this woman and I loved her with my previous and first birth, so when she told me that I could do this, I knew I could.  What a loving Heavenly Father I have, that placed someone that I trusted in a place that was so foreign and alarming for me.  Some people call that a coincidence.  I hurt for those people.  Because to me, it is a tender mercy that my loving Father gives me, a constant reminder day by day that he is there, that he will never leave me.  

Many people have asked me if I would ever give birth naturally again.  The answer: I don't know.  Sometimes I think back and all I can see were the beautiful moments that made natural birth so amazing.  Like the fact that I worked for this child, I gave everything for him, to the point that I was ready to give my life for him.  Or the incredible euphoria that came the moment he took his first breath.  Or the laughable question of how much pain I was in after he was born.  I looked at those nurses like they were crazy.  "I JUST DELIVERED A 9 LB 2 OZ CHILD WITH ABSOLUTELY NO MEDICINE, compared to that, I feel amazing.  I'll go run 3 miles right now!  Do you want me to get up and do a jig?  I shall!" My recovery was amazing.  Mostly because any pain I felt was child's play compared to what I had just done.  Or the fact that I bonded with him in an incredible way.  There is something to feeling every part of the life-giving-partnering-with-God that draws you towards your child in unexplainable ways. 

Truthfully, I loved everything about birthing naturally except the pushing.  People always tell you that the contractions are the worst.  I disagree.  They are a cakewalk.  I can carry on a full conversation and smile at all the lovely nurses up until a staggering 10cm dilation.  But the moment that burning begins, I started telling the doctor not to touch me, I told Nathan I couldn't do this, in short, I LOST IT.

But perhaps, if I was ready for it, if I had been ready for the pain and knew that it would come, if I practiced keeping my mind in a good place, I would do it again. 

I do know this, I will never get an epidural again.  But, some pain killers to take the edge off?  That sounds AMAZING.  I guess you'll just have to wait and see along with me.  All I know is how blessed I am as a woman to have opportunities to give all of myself for these beautiful spirits that God has given me.  I'm so blessed to know what true love is and to be shown how to love more perfectly by my loving Savior and my Heavenly Father.