Thursday, August 21, 2014

on being divergent

I sat rubbing Brighams back while he lay on my chest and suddenly my mind was thinking about how it's funny that people need comfort in different ways.  For my little Brigham, it seemed that out of the womb he was a touch-er.   Even in the hospital, if he was crying, I would simply lay him next to me and rub my finger on his cheek.  He would stop crying immediately.  The nurses were amazed that after getting his shots, I could just reach into the cot and touch his face or his little arm and he would calm right down.  When he was getting all his tests done for his heart those first few months, he was fine and calm as long as Nate or I was touching him while they were occurring.

(These pictures are from last September, but I think they illustrate perfectly the point that I'm making.)

These memories flooding back reminded me of the 5 love languages that Gary Chapman teaches in his books, and it made me really want to read and study about this for my kids.  I've been pretty good at re-evaluating with Nate and trying to make sure I'm showing love in the way that he needs it, but I think my kids need some focus. 

I know that he has a book that is specifically about 5 love languages for kids-but I'm assuming they're pretty close to the normal love languages.

  • Physical Touch
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Quality Time
  • Gifts
  • Acts of Service
I'm thinking they need some re-working because I'm pretty sure that no child receives love from acts of service since they think the world resolves around them.  Me getting breakfast for the kids is just another thing that "happens" during the day.  Making Eden's bed and surprising her so she doesn't have to do it?  She says thank you (when prompted), but she really doesn't understand that I've done something special for her.

On the other hand, maybe it is their love language, because ALL mothers all over the world spend every moment of the day doing acts of service for their children, and don't all of those children feel loved and cared for?  Hmmm.  Food for thought.

I also feel that for most people they really do need all of these love languages in varying degrees.  For instance, my very least important love language is gifts.  But that doesn't mean that I don't appreciate getting some beautiful flowers from Nate.  It just means that to really feel love from him, I need him to spend quality time with me in order for me to see the loving gesture in him giving me flowers.  Let's face it, we are all Divergent

So, I'm not saying that Brigham doesn't need quality time just because I know that physical touch is so important to him.  That helps me, because I'm not sure what Eden's love language is.  I think that words of affirmation are really huge right now (she's also 2, so me saying positive things to her is VITAL!) and quality time is a must for that girl.  Come to think of it-I think quality time is her key.  Even as a tiny baby it wasn't enough for me to be holding her, I needed to be looking at her and talking.  She never did well with playing by herself-she needs my attention (which is sometimes overwhelming and exhausting.) 
This pic is from the exact same day as the ones above as Brigham.  Notice that Eden is clinging to my leg.

Just like Brigham, it's not at all that she doesn't need the other things!  Of course that girl of mine needs hugs and kisses and she loves those-but those don't solve problems for her like they do for Brigham.  Those are the cherries on top. 

Mostly I guess I'm just spilling whatever is flowing into my mind, and I realize that this post is a little all over the place-I just needed to write this down before I forget it all.  Looks like I'm taking a trip to the library soon to pick up that book. 

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